The STEVENS Family

Cajun Jokes (not all are for kids)


Are you from New Orleans?

If you come to New Orleans, you better say it right.

It's pronounced "New Orlenz". No one from here says "New  Orleens" unless they are writing a song or they want their ass kicked.

It's hot. It's humid. It rains. Those are the only 3 weather patterns we have here.

3 out of 4 people who live in New Orleans have a drinking problem.

3 out of 7 have a gambling problem.

No one eats healthy. Fried Batter is actually a menu item in some restaurants.

The shopping sucks, unless you are buying beer, hookers or antiques.

The mall is not close to anywhere, and if you get there, they don't have what you came to purchase.

The amount of cash you spend on gasoline and cigarettes in a month exceeds your rent/house note.

The West Bank is actually East of the city. It would  take too long to explain.

The roads in New Orleans have potholes that are large enough to hide an aircraft carrier. No one is trying to correct this problem.

Giving directions to a non-local in New Orleans is a waste of time.

Every street intersects with each other. No two streets run parallel to each other.

1 out of 3 streets is impossible to pronounce unless you were born  in New Orleans, or you are a Cajun.

If the levee breaks, everyone here will die. No one seems worried about this problem, either.

There are 365 days in the year. There are 414 parties/festivals in New Orleans.

Then how come no one ever leaves?

From: SHARON GAUTHE

 

Diary of a Yankee who's just moved to New Orleans

April 30th:

New Orleans is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this is a state that knows how to live - beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from Waterfront park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

May 14th:

Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a problem, live in an air conditioned home, drive an air conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 5th:

Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. NO MORE SHOVELING SNOW EITHER! Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 1st:

 The temperature hasn't been below 90 all week, not even at night. Where are those ocean breezes we heard about, still seems hot. Getting used to it will take a while, I guess. I sure miss my LP collection, though. I'll have to remember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my car. Got one of those fuzzy steering wheel covers. Cheaper than the burn ointment for my hands. I always wondered what burnt flesh smelled like.

July 15th:

Fell asleep on the beach. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:

I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, he'd swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door he exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and poop. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th:

Ocean breezes, like where?. Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. Only hope for a break in the heat would be a hurricane.

 July 30th:

Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Swatting the swamp mosquitoes that are as big as B-52's. $1,500 in darn house payment and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug.4th

100 degrees today. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. The electric bill is almost as much as the house payment. And two SUV lady drivers almost ran me off the road. I hate this state.

Aug 8th:

 If another jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you  today?" I'm going to tear his head off. Darn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted Garfield!!

Aug. 10th:

The weather report might as well be a darn recording: Hot and sunny.  It's been too hot for two #@*& months and the weatherman says it might REALLY warm up next week. And who came up with the statement "it may be hot, but at least you don't have to shovel it" should die from heat exhaustion.

Aug. 14th:

Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug. 30th:

Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell and drove the darned roaches out of the ground. I wasn't aware they could fly! The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the Atlantic with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving back to New York where all you have to worry about is getting mugged, I hope this state breaks in half and floats away!!!!!!!

From: SHARON GAUTHE

Thibodueax came back from a 28 day hitch offshore. He had made him a bigcheck. So Thibodeaux decided to go to Gulotta's in New Iberia and buy himself a brand new pair of patent leather boots. After buying the boots, Thibodeaux decided to go dancing at La Poussierre in Breaux Bridge to break in his new boots. At the dance Thibodueax asked Marie if she want to waltz. She said, "Mais yea, Thibodeaux." In the middle of dancing, Thibodeaux asked Marie, "You got some blue panties on?" Marie replied, "Yea, how you know dat?" Thibodeaux said, "Because I could see the reflection in my brand new patent leather boots." Thibodeaux then asked Claudette if she wanted to dance. She agreed. In the middle of dancing Thibodeaux asked, "You got some red panties on?" Claudette said, "Yea, how you know dat?" Thibodeaux said, "Because I could see the relection in my brand new pair of patent leather boots." Thibodeaux then asked Clotile if she wanted to dance. She agreed. In the middle of dancing Thibodeaux asked, "Clotile, you not wearing any panties, huh?" Clotile said, "Mais non, Thibodeaux." Thibodeaux caught his breath and said in relief, "Thank God, I thought I had a crack in my brand new pair of patent leather boots." By: KIM KIDD

 

Five Cajuns were sitting around a campfire near the Atchafalaya Basin. They were "philosophizing" on what was the fastest thing in the world. Boudreaux said, "I think the fastest thing in the world is a thought because before you can think of it it's already thought." Thibodeaux said, "No, the fastest thing in the world is a blink because before you can think about it you blunk already." Alfonse said, "No, the fastest thing in the world is electricity because when you turn dat light switch on the electricity travels fast-fast and the lights come on before you know it." Ti-Boy said, "Ya'll all wrong, the fastest thing in the world is diarrhea." Everyone asked, "Diarrhea?" Ti-Boy said, "Yea, last night before I could think, blink, or turn on the lights I shit on myself." By: Kim Kidd

 

Boudreaux and Thibodaux was going to the desert to find some gold well. They walked till they found a place to rent camels. They had one camel left. The man who rented them said that there was a trick to this camel. They said that as long as they didn't have to walk they didn't care. Well the man said every 500 miles you had to stop and jack off the camel for it to keep going it didn't even need water. They went for 500 miles and the camel stopped Boudreaux got down and jacked it off. Next 500 miles they did the same thing. The next 500 miles they went to jack him off and he didn't do nothing. They tried jacking him off again and still nothing. Thibodaux says what you want camel. The camel started making a sucking noise. By: Bean Head

 

Boudreaux an Thibodaux were big "RAJUN CAJUN" ,USL football fans. They made all the games, but were getting tired of fighting the traffic and not being able to find their truck in the parking lot. So , the next Saturday nite when Boudreaux went to get Thibodaux he was riding a camel. Thibodaux said "where you goin on that camel Boo." Boudreaux said " we will ride this here camel to the game and tie it up by the front gate. That way when the game is over he will be right there an we won't spend all night looking for the truck". So Thibodaux climbed on and off to the game they went. When the game was over they came out and there was 12 camels tied up at the gate. Thibodaux said, "Mercy, How we gonna tell which camel is ours?" Boudreaux said, "I know", and walked over to the first camel, picked up his tail and looked, then he went to the next , and the next. Thibodaux said, "Boudreaux, "What are you doing?" Boudreaux said, "didn't you here that cop say," Look at them 2 assholes on that camel when we rode in."

 

One day Boudreaux was walking down the street and met up with Thibodaux. "Thibodaux", he says, "How are you doing?" "Not too good," answered Thibodaux, "I got fired." "Got Fired", exclaimed Boudreaux, "You been working at the shrimp shed for 20 years. What happened?" "I got my penis stuck in the shrimp dryer", answered Thibodaux. "Oooh, that must of hurt. Is the shrimp dryer broke?", asked Boudreaux. "Not yet", said Thibodaux, "But she will be. She got fired too!!"

 

Boudreaux and Thibodaux was at the Fourchon Beach one day and all the girls were around Boudreaux. "How you do it?", asked Thibodaux. "Well", said Boudreaux, "You go to Wal-Mart and buy you one of them bikini bathing suits. Then go to Delchamps and buy you one of them Idaho potatoes." The next day Thibodaux went and buy the bathing suit and potato, put it on and went to the beach. "Oooh, all the girls are gonna love me.", thought Thibodaux. He walked down the beach and all the girls were laughing and laughing. When he got to the end of the beach, he met up with Boudreaux. "What happened?", Thibodaux asked, "I bought me the bathing suit and Idaho potato just like you said and all the girls are laughing at me." "Thibodaux", said Boudreaux, "You're supposed to put the potato in the front of your bathing suit not the back!"

 

Boudreaux got home from work one evening to find his wife and kids in front of the TV watching cartoons. Boudreaux told his wife, "Honey I'm horny. Let's go in de bedroom and f*@k." Mrs. Boudreaux got up and walked over to Boudreaux and quietly told him, "Boudreaux, you gonna have to stop talkin' like dat in front of de kids. Dey gettin' older now and pretty soon dey gonna know what you talkin' about. From now on, why don't we use a code?" Boudreaux wondered, "What kinda code you talkin' about?" His wife replied, "The next time you feel horny, why don't you say, 'Honey, let's go do de laundry' I'll know what you mean, dut de kids won't." Boudreaux said, "Dat's a real good idea, baby. Now, let's go do de laundry." Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh baby, I'm really so tired. I had a very rough day. Why dont we wait till tomorrow?" Boudreaux said that would be ok, since he was also tired. He then went to bed. A few minutes later, Mrs. Boudreaux began to think about weather she was being selfish. She told herself that Boudreaux really works hard for his family. He deserves to relax and feel good when he gets home from a hard days work. She decided to join him in the bedroom. When she got there, Boudreaux was apparently sleeping. She nudged him on the shoulder and said, "Boudreaux, wake up. Let's do the laundry." Boudreaux turned over and replied, "It's ok baby. It was a small load, so I did it by hand!!"

 

Gautraux was sitting on the bayou bank, fishing. Boudreaux walks up with a couple of boxes on his shoulder, and plops them down in the pirogue. Gautreaux said, " Mais Boudreaux, whare you goin wit dem box?" Boudreaux replied, " Dat's gator aid. Me, I'm gonna catch some gators." "You cain't ketch no gators wit dat. You crazy. Boudreaux answered, Oh yaah, you oughta come wid me." Gautreaux said, " No, I gonna stay an fish."A couple of hours later, Boudreaux came paddling back with three gators in the pirogue, and pulling three more. Gautreaux was surprised. The next day, same place, same time, Gautreaux fishing again....Boudreaux walks up with another box and throws in in the pirogue. Gautreaux asked, "OOOKay, whut you doin' this time?" Boudreaux says, "Got sum duck tape, gonna git me sum duck." "Dis time," says Gautreaux, I know you gotta be full of poo-poo. You cain't do dat." "Mais, sho I kin. Why you don cum go wit me." Gautreaux said, "No, I gonna stay here and fish." Later, Boudreaux paddles up to the bayou bank. Only his head is sticking out of the ducks in his boat. Gautreaux says, "Man, dat is sum surprise to me." The third day, same time. same place,up walks Boudreaux with a bundle of sticks on his shoulder. Gautreaux said, "Now whut inna world you gonna do wit dem stick?" Boudreaux replied, " Mais Chere, dem ain't no stick, dey pussy willow poles." Gautreaux stood up, threw his fishing pole in the bayou, and said, "Boudreaux, move you big butt ova. Today, Me, I'm gonna go witchu." By: Charles Cook

 

Boudreaux and Gautreaux went to the Saturday night dance at the Jolly Inn. As usual, they consumed at least one beer per dance. Soon nature called, and they both went to the rest room to relive themselves. As they walked up to the urinals, Gautreaux pulled his hand out of his pocket. A quarter came out with it and fell in the urinal. Looking stricken, Gautreaux pulled out his wallet, and dropped a dollar bill in with the quarter. Then he reached in and pulled all the money out. Boudreaux said, "Mais Boo, whyina worl' you do dat?" Gautreaux smiled in a crooked beer way and replied, " shore you don tink I'm gonna put my hand in dare for no quarter." By: Charles Cook

 

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